Five Ways to Grieve During the Holidays
Dealing with grief during the holidays can be particularly challenging, as these times are often associated with joy, celebration, and togetherness. It's essential to acknowledge and honor your grief while finding ways to navigate through the season.
Here are five ways to honor your grief during the holidays…
#1 Remember and Reflect
An honoring ritual or activity is a foundational way to be with your grief during the holiday season. This provides two vital things for grief: containment and release.
An activity or repeated ritual has a start and an end, giving containment to our grief. Perhaps we can’t afford to be wailing and soaked in sloppy tears with all the holiday festivities to navigate (or perhaps you can, and more power to you!) Having a designated time for deeply grieving can be quite relieving for some. With containment often comes a sense of safety and permission to fully feel our grief, knowing the activity or ritual will come to a close. It creates a nest for our grief to rest in.
In the words of Francis Weller, “It provides the safe place to fall, to descend into the depths of both the known and unknown layers of sorrow.”
Create a grief altar that can be visited every day to remember and reflect on your loss.
Honoring rituals or activities you might explore this holiday season include…
Lighting a candle in honor of your loss
Looking at photographs and bathing in memories
Sharing stories with others about the person, place, or thing you’re grieving
Meditating on memories or visualizing the person, place, or thing you’re grieving
Spending time with a taste, scent, or sound that reminds you of your loss (food, incense, or music can work well here!)
Any activity that brings you into feeling your grief and connecting to your loss
Allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise in these activities. Invite a friend to sit with you while you do them if they feel overwhelming – having a hand to hold or loving presence nearby can make grief more tolerable.
A note on global mourning:
Important to note is that these practices can be adapted for global grief – the grief of witnessing the suffering and tragedy around the globe. The heartache, desperation, and hopelessness that arises from the realities of genocide, war, and natural disaster. Your grief about the shadows of the world is valid and deserves to be honored. This is the fuel that decolonizes and creates change. Please don’t shy away from this!
#2 Traditions
The holidays are often marked by traditions: the decorating of the Christmas tree, a specific holiday dish or baked good, re-watching movies or listening to certain albums, and so on. One of my favorite holiday traditions was banana splits on NYE!
Continuing, adapting, establishing new traditions during the holidays can be a meaningful way to continue bonds with those (or what) we've lost and honor the grief we're experiencing.
You might consider establishing new traditions or modifying existing ones to accommodate your current emotional state. This might involve celebrating in a different way, choosing new activities, or incorporating elements that honor the memory of your loved one.
A few ideas…
Cook Their Favorite Dish: Cooking and sharing the food they enjoyed can be a way to connect with their memory and share stories about special moments around the table.
Include Their Favorite Music: Music has a powerful way of evoking memories and emotions, providing a beautiful way to honor their presence.
Visit a Special Place: If your loved one had a favorite spot or a place that held special meaning for them, or if there is a place that makes you feel close to another type of loss (pet, home, etc) consider visiting it during the holiday season. This could be a park, a beach, a garden, or any place that evokes memories.
Write Letters or Messages: Take some time to write a letter or messages to the person, place, or thing you’ve lost. Express your feelings, share updates on your life, and let them know they are still a part of your thoughts and celebrations. Yes - letters can be written to lost homes, pets, and even careers!
Introduce New Cultures: This is aimed for those experiencing deep global grief - introduce new traditions that honor the cultures around the globe that are experiencing tragedy, harm, or oppression. Research holiday traditions, try new foods, or set up a grief altar. Send off a ceasefire call to your representative and donate/volunteer when you can.
The goal of these traditions is not to eliminate grief but to integrate the memory of your loved one into the holiday season in a way that feels comforting and meaningful for you. Everyone grieves differently, so choose traditions that resonate with your emotions and help you navigate the holidays in a way that feels authentic to you. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. *Kiss emoji*
#3 Set Boundaries
It may seem counterintuitive, however, setting and maintaining boundaries is a beautiful, and often necessary, way to honor your grief this holiday season! Boundaries communicate to yourself and others that your grief, and the needs that accompany it, are important.
Be honest with yourself and others about what you can handle. If certain events or gatherings are too overwhelming, it's okay to decline invitations or set limits on your participation. Communicate your needs to friends and family, so they understand and can provide support.
Boundaries this holiday season can look like…
Declining invitations to holiday parties or gatherings that may be overwhelming, or creating a pre-established exit plan for gatherings and letting a friend know so they can support you.
Deciding to take a break from social media during the holidays to avoid seeing potentially triggering posts or overwhelming content.
Openly opting out of gift-giving if the process feels emotionally challenging or suggesting alternative ways of showing love that feel more comfortable to you.
Letting others know that you may need some quiet time for yourself during the holidays and scheduling time alone for reflection.
This list is NOT exhaustive! Be clear about your capacity and set realistic expectations for yourself.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is a personal and ongoing process. It's okay to reassess and adjust them as needed based on your evolving needs and emotions. Communicate openly with those around you, and surround yourself with understanding and supportive individuals who respect your journey through grief.
#4 Contribute to a Cause
Our grief can, at times, be fuel for change. Consider finding ways to channel your grief into something meaningful. Volunteering or participating in charitable activities can provide a sense of purpose and connection. Helping others can be a meaningful way to honor the memory of your loss during the holiday season.
Perhaps there’s a cause or organization that was important to your loved one who passed? Consider making a donation in their name or volunteering your time. This act of giving can help you feel connected to their values and passions.
Or perhaps there’s an organization that supports folks who’ve experienced a loss similar to your own? Contributing time, energy, or resources to these causes may give your grief a sense of belonging and purpose.
If it’s global grief you’re weathering this season, consider sending ceasefire messages to your representatives or donating to doctor’s without borders or another organization that provides global relief.
It’s possible, and likely, that you don’t have the energetic or emotional cache to volunteer. A BIG part of honoring our grief involves honoring our capacity. Be gentle with yourself if you aren’t up for it. There are many other ways to honor your grief this holiday season.
#5 Practice Feeling the Grief
It may seem rudimentary or like I’m stating the obvious. You might be saying, “how could I NOT feel my grief?” I believe it’s one thing to be overwhelmed with feeling your grief, but it may be a different thing to *practice* feeling grief in an intentional way. Often grief can be so massive, so hear wrenching, that we might turn away from it or avoid it in order to mitigate the pain. This is a very human thing to do, and not something to beat yourself up over - in fact, it is necessary at times to get through our day. AND practicing intentional feeling, turning toward the grief, toward the pain, can build our capacity to tolerate it. And it can remind us that our grief is actually love persevering.
Suggestions for tuning into feeling your grief:
Noticing where it is being held in your body
What sensations are present when your grief is big?
Assign a color to it. Does it have a shape?
Are there emotions that accompany it?
If your grief could speak, what would it say?
Take your time. Practice feeling your grief in as short of increments as you need. Give yourself space to toggle in and out of intentionally feeling.
Grief is not something to be “overcome” or “moved on from”. Rather it is the result of having loved so deeply. To grieve is to love – and although often quite painful, grief can also be celebration, joy, and connection. Give yourself permission to feel all the feels. Your joy, relief, or happiness in your grief is valid, and does NOT mean you aren’t heartbroken by your loss or that you aren’t grieving “correctly”.
Remember that grieving is a unique and individual process, and there's no right or wrong way to navigate it. It's important to be patient with yourself and seek professional help if needed. If your grief feels overwhelming or persistent, reaching out to a counselor, therapist, or support group can provide additional guidance and support.
If you’re seeking professional counseling or support groups for grief, contact me at Prismatic Arts Counseling PLLC for resources!
