Continuing Bonds vs. Letting Go: Rethinking Grief and Healing
Grief is often framed as a process of "letting go"—moving on from a loss, finding closure, and learning to live without the presence of a loved one. However, the continuing bonds model offers a different perspective, one that acknowledges the ongoing connection between the bereaved and the deceased. Rather than severing ties, this approach invites individuals to find meaningful ways to sustain their relationship with the person they have lost.
The Myth of Closure
The idea that healing requires detachment is a deeply ingrained cultural narrative, particularly in Western societies that emphasize individuality and independence. Phrases like "you have to move on" or "they would want you to be happy" reflect a discomfort with prolonged grief. However, research and lived experiences suggest that maintaining a connection with a deceased loved one can be a healthy and adaptive way to integrate loss into one’s life.
How to Continue Bonds with a Loved One
Continuing bonds can take many forms, and each person’s approach will be unique. Here are a few ways individuals might choose to honor and maintain their connection:
Rituals and Anniversaries – Lighting a candle, preparing a favorite meal, or visiting a meaningful location on special dates.
Storytelling and Legacy Work – Sharing memories, writing letters, or compiling a scrapbook to celebrate the person’s life.
Wearing or Keeping Personal Items – Holding onto a piece of jewelry, clothing, or other meaningful objects that serve as a tangible reminder.
Engaging in Shared Interests – Continuing an activity the loved one enjoyed, such as gardening, painting, or volunteering for a cause they cared about.
Dreamwork and Symbolic Connection – Finding meaning in dreams, nature, or synchronicities that feel like messages from the deceased.
Cultural Relevance of Continuing Bonds
Many cultures embrace the practice of maintaining a relationship with those who have passed. In Mexico, Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) is a vibrant tradition where families create altars (ofrendas) with photos, favorite foods, and personal mementos to welcome the spirits of their loved ones. In Japan, the Obon Festival serves a similar purpose, honoring ancestors through dance, lantern lighting, and temple visits. In many Indigenous traditions, ancestors are considered active members of the community, guiding the living through ceremonies and storytelling.
By recognizing the importance of continuing bonds, we can shift the conversation around grief from one of detachment to one of integration, honoring both loss and love in a way that supports emotional well-being.
