Understanding Grief: Comparing Models to Find What Resonates with You
Grief is a profound and complex emotion, a natural response to loss that everyone experiences differently. Whether you're coping with the death of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, or another form of loss, understanding grief can be a crucial step in the healing process. This blog post aims to shed light on various models of grief, helping you find what resonates with you. We’ll explore the Five Stages of Grief (Elisabeth Kübler-Ross), the Continuing Bonds theory, the Dual-Process Model, and Neimeyer’s Meaning Making Model of Grief, providing a comprehensive overview to aid you in your journey.
Grief is an intensely personal experience, one that can leave you feeling overwhelmed, lost, and unsure of how to proceed. While everyone’s journey through grief is unique, understanding the different models of grief can offer valuable insights and coping strategies. By exploring these models, you may find a framework that resonates with your experience and helps you navigate your way through the pain. Grief counseling often incorporates these models, tailoring them to individual needs and circumstances.
Five Stages of Grief
Perhaps the most well-known model of grief is the Five Stages of Grief, introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying." This model outlines five stages that many people go through when dealing with loss:
Denial: In this stage, individuals may struggle to accept the reality of their loss. Denial acts as a defense mechanism, cushioning the immediate shock.
Anger: This stage is characterized by feelings of anger and frustration. This anger can be directed towards oneself, others, or even the person who has passed away.
Bargaining: During this stage, people might dwell on what they could have done differently to prevent the loss. They may make deals with a higher power in an attempt to reverse or mitigate the loss. Remorse and guilt are common emotions that accompany this stage.
Depression: Profound sadness and despair are hallmarks of this stage. Individuals may withdraw from life, feeling numb, overwhelmed, or deeply sorrowful.
Acceptance: The final stage involves coming to terms with the loss. Acceptance doesn't mean forgetting or moving on completely, but rather integrating the loss into one's life and finding ways to move forward.
While the Five Stages of Grief provide a useful framework, it’s important to remember that not everyone experiences these stages linearly or in the same way. Grief is not a one-size-fits-all process, and you may find yourself revisiting stages, experiencing them in a different order, or experiencing some of the stages simultaneously or not at all.
Continuing Bonds
The Continuing Bonds theory offers a different perspective on grief, suggesting that maintaining a connection with the deceased can be, and often is, a healthy part of the grieving process. This model, developed by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman, challenges the notion that grief should be about letting go and moving on.
According to the Continuing Bonds theory, it is natural and beneficial to maintain an ongoing relationship with the deceased. This can involve:
Reminiscing: Sharing stories and memories of the deceased can keep their spirit alive in your life.
Rituals: Engaging in activities that honor the deceased, such as visiting their grave, celebrating their birthday, or creating a memorial.
Internalized Conversations: Speaking to the deceased in your thoughts or dreams, seeking guidance or comfort from their memory.
Continuing Bonds allows for a more flexible and personalized approach to grief, recognizing that the bond with a loved one doesn't end with their physical death. Instead, it evolves and continues in new forms, helping you integrate their memory into your life.
Dual-Process Model
Developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, the Dual-Process Model of grief provides a dynamic framework that balances the emotional and practical aspects of coping with loss. This model suggests that grieving individuals oscillate between two types of stressors:
Loss-Oriented Stressors: These are directly related to the loss itself and include feelings of sadness, yearning, and longing for the deceased.
Restoration-Oriented Stressors: These involve the secondary changes and challenges that result from the loss, such as adjusting to new roles, managing finances and other responsibilities, and finding new activities or social connections.
The Dual-Process Model emphasizes the importance of moving between these two types of stressors. Rather than focusing solely on the emotional pain, it encourages individuals to also engage in life and address practical needs. This oscillation helps alleviate overwhelming despair and supports a more balanced approach to grieving.
In grief counseling, this model can be particularly useful as it acknowledges that both the emotional and practical aspects of grief are important. It encourages taking breaks from the intense emotions of loss to engage in restorative activities, thus promoting resilience and long-term healing.
Neimeyer’s Meaning Making Model of Grief
Robert A. Neimeyer’s Meaning Making Model of Grief focuses on the idea that humans have an inherent need to make sense of their experiences, including loss. According to Neimeyer, grief is not just an emotional response but a disruption to one's sense of meaning and order in the world.
This model suggests that individuals cope with grief by reconstructing their personal narratives and finding new meaning in their lives. Key aspects include:
Sense-Making: Trying to understand the reasons behind the loss and how it fits into one’s life story.
Benefit-Finding: Identifying any positive outcomes or growth that can come from the experience of loss.
Identity Reconstruction: Redefining oneself and one’s life goals in the wake of the loss.
Neimeyer’s approach highlights the importance of storytelling and personal reflection in the grieving process. It encourages individuals to explore their beliefs, values, and assumptions about life and death, ultimately helping them to integrate the loss into a new, coherent sense of self.
Grief is a multifaceted and deeply personal experience, one that each individual navigates in their own way.
By exploring different models of grief, such as the ones highlighted here, you can gain valuable insights into your own grieving process and discover what resonates most with you. Grief counseling often incorporates elements from these models, providing tailored support to help you find your path to healing.
Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Whether you find solace in maintaining a bond with the deceased, oscillating between mourning and rebuilding your life, or reconstructing your sense of meaning, what matters most is finding what works for you. If you’re struggling, consider seeking out grief counseling to help guide you through this challenging time. With the right support and understanding, you can navigate the complexities of grief and find a way to move forward while honoring the memory of your loss.
Joanne Cacciatore’s pocket book “Grieving is Loving” is a wonderful resource for finding words of inspiration and comfort amidst grief.
If you’re seeking professional counseling or support groups for grief, contact me at Prismatic Arts Counseling PLLC for resources!
